It's Not You; Sometimes It's Them

Hi there,

I started a new video series on my Instagram “This is Not A Diagnosis” with the main aim of deconstructing the experiences we have that impact our mental and emotional wellbeing. This was inspired by the frequent experiences my clients have in relationships with romantic partners, family members, work colleagues and friends. These experiences are not necessarily clinical in nature but they have a definite impact on how you show up in the relationship- your ability to navigate conflict, your perspective of yourself in the relationship and even how the relationship dynamic works out.

It’s not just my clients, we too have relationships that leave us feeling like our heads are spinning. They feel like no amount of effort to make the relationship better is working, even progress in the right direction is short-lived and you might find yourself questioning your own desires and status in the relationship.

The result is often frustration, confusion and heartbreak. The questions- what am I doing wrong? Why isn’t anything working? 

Sometimes it’s not you.

What I have noticed in therapy is that in some cases our relationship with significant others has a negative impact on our wellbeing. Their behavior might be from years of dysfunctional patterns of relating that have evolved into personality disorders, mental health issues that are untreated or substance use that inhibits fruitful efforts to address the challenges in the relationship. The other important part to this dynamic is self awareness.

Is the person aware that their behavior is having a negative impact on others? And if they know, do they care? 

Self awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively. Most people are aware of their strengths, faults and personality quirks through introspection and self-evaluation. In relationships, they have the ability to recognise patterns and cycles and reflect on mistakes and relationship patterns that are problematic and therefore approach a situation differently to achieve a different outcome. We may all oscillate somewhere on the spectrum of self awareness based on the emotional cost involved, but ultimately, the willingness to be aware of our own shortcomings and make an effort to change what’s brought up to us speaks of a healthy sense of self awareness.

But what happens when the person we love is low on self awareness?

As I alluded in my video, a partner, sibling, parent, friend or colleague who is low in self awareness has difficulty seeing how their response can lead to the direction a situation takes. People who are low in self awareness in relationships are difficult and problematic.

The behavior

Think about that friend who gets defensive when you give them feedback on behaviors or interactions.  They might say “I'm not a bad person” or “you’re too sensitive” which deflects from the issue you are trying to highlight. The conversation takes a turn and deviates from the context of the disagreement to an emotional outburst or an attack on character.

A partner with low self awareness doesn’t adapt their behavior and continues to use the same approach without tailoring it to different individuals and situations. Think about a partner who disregards a communication boundary and continues to shout during conflicts or use derogatory statements. This makes it hard to talk to them about hurt or anger or pain.

A difficult person is also often surprised by people’s reactions because they focus more on the intent than the impact of their actions. Think of a boss who berates an employee in front of other colleagues and then says “I’m correcting you so that you can improve”. They completely overlook the embarrassment you might experience in such a situation by only focusing on their intended “good will”.

Finally, they might underplay or underestimate the damage they cause. It’s not about how they handled a disagreement or their shouting or their poor planning, it's your fault for not being able to handle it or for reacting the way you did. When it comes to parents or guardians they might underplay the impact of neglect or abuse that you experienced in childhood. 

The Impact

I frequently observe my clients go through a range of emotions and thoughts when we explore their relationship with significant others who could be low on self awareness. There’s confusion, frustration, sadness and doubt about your experience in the relationship. Heartbreak is part of it too because they are torn between choosing their own wellbeing and their relationship with their loved one.

Focusing on you

It was a bit of a shocking lightbulb moment for me as a therapist the first time this thought came to mind- that some of the people in a client’s life could be the problem. I might explore the nature of the relationship but I never diagnose the other person or label them because they are not my client and I don’t know the full scope of their lives.

But here are a few things that could help to provide some clarity about what is happening in the relationship.

Name what is happening. Remember that people with low self awareness are rarely accountable for their behavior and the impact they have on others. This can be helpful in defining what your part in a situation is and what part the other party should be accountable for.

Be realistic about the person you are in a relationship with. We sometimes have an idealised version of the person we're in a relationship with. This might come from our desire for them to change or our own lack of awareness of the relationship dynamic we are in.

Get support through therapy and peer group support. When dealing with a person living with a mental illness or substance use disorder, they might have diminished self awareness which impacts their ability or willingness to take responsibility for their actions. Working with a therapist and peer support group would help to process what you are experiencing.