Bring Back Love

Hi there,

Happy February! January flew by really fast and we're in the month of love now. Maybe it's the algorithm that keeps trying to send us back in time but I have a really nostalgic approach to February, specifically Valentine's day.

I go back to the fanfare- love songs on the radio, static romantic movies and the silent whispers of who'll buy who a lollipop (it was primary school okay haha). And then it was red everywhere- red dresses, red shoes, red bowties, red roses. Love was in the air.

KTN and NTV news segments would feature people in town walking together dressed in red and carrying rose flower bouquets. Sometimes they would interview bystanders about what they were looking forward to on that day and the responses would range from an enthused special meal of chapati and stew, to one guy said he would buy his wife household items like flour and sugar, and for some it was a day just like any other.

When did all of this change?

How did we find ourselves on a spectrum of extremes- one end being an overperformance of “love” involving over the top gifts and public displays of “affection” and the other end being an apathetic approach to love and intimacy of any kind. When did we swap the roses with money bouquets (and who banned the bouquets of money before I ever got one haha)? When did cynicism enter take the center stage? and, is love hidden somewhere in the recess afraid to come out?

Love is a relational skill that involves collaboration, constant communication and some adjustments along the way. You don’t get to a point where you can claim to “know” love fully. Rather, it is similar to a language that you become fluent in over time. 

This fluency is built by connecting with people, going through life changes together and sorting things out as the come up along the way.

Which presents a current challenge that shows up in my therapy room- the desire (almost need) to “know for sure”. We want certainty, clear cut ideas, and definite plans. In relationships, we want partners who are green not red, who have healed their wounds before we start dating or think about marrying; we want acquaintances who say what they mean directly, and friends who have a complete understanding of themselves so that they can understand us too entirely.

This has led to the oversimplification of our interactions. We set rules and call them boundaries, we have expectations but use them as standards for others, and we avoid awkward conversations in the name of protecting our peace. The result, we’re more lonely, we don’t feel connected to anyone and we’re afraid of loving deeply. In our attempt to have everything already perfectly set, we’re struggling to build relationships- and ones that last. 

Not all is lost.

Relationships do require building and this requires patience, kindness and a touch of hope. The patience to understand that we have come from different backgrounds and we can explore this together as we get to know each other. Approaching with kindness when we work on repairing hurts and breaks within the relationship. Sharing in a vision of a hopeful future together where we can continue to witness each other fully in our lives.

Whether its friends, romantic partners or family members, if all parties are willing to be together in a relationship then why not develop a healthy one together. And this requires striving in addition to the desire to have.

Its that saying "everyone wants a village but to be part of one you have to show up too". This is striving. It is important because external factors do impact our ability to form social connections.

Research has shown that unemployment and low income often go hand in hand with poor social connection as does older age and living alone. In current times, getting constant news of human suffering in wars, discrimination and violation of justice impacts us in a bigger way. It can feel distant to want to focus on love when the world seems to be falling apart. But this is when we need to connect with each other more intentionally.

I often ask my clients about their support systems- friends and family who are there with them- during periods of emotional overwhelm. This is because wounds and traumas cause people to suppress their emotions and disconnect from themselves. Healing requires community because a safe system comprised of authentic and compassionate relationships helps to rebuild trust and security.

Focusing on you

Create small moments of connection. Small simple acts that connect you to family, friends and colleagues can help to build up the social muscles needed during times of crisis (personal and political). Schedule a call, a walk, a simple hangout. Keep it minimal and no pressure so that finances and other constraints don't interfere with the bigger goal-CONNECTION!

Practice differentiation. This is a concept we learn in psychology about how children grow up and develop their own identity and value systems outside of the family while still remaining securely connected to the members. In relationships, we can strive to maintain our own identity, beliefs and values while staying connected to significant others, even if we have fundamental disagreements.

Put the little shields away. We're using our phones and screens as little shields that prevent people from coming too close to us, while mimicking connection through social apps. Put your phone away and connect with nature and people. Be present in the moment with the people around you. Sit through the awkward silence, talk about the weather, ask about their new favourite song.

Final thoughts

My adulting has been populated by connections of all kinds- romantic love, redefining family relationships and adventures with friends. There have been marriages, children, deaths, breakups, promotions, moving houses and so much in between. The main constant has been an intense desire to show up for my village in all seasons.

I believe in love and I think we should bring it back!