If You Hear Something Enough, You Begin To Believe It; On the Limiting Beliefs that Define Us

I have been reflecting on a therapy session I had with a client that left me with plenty to think about. Specifically around how we adopt the limitations that are defined by someone else into our own personal narrative.

Where did your limiting beliefs come from? 

For context, we were talking about her interest in playing a musical instrument. She shared that this has always been a dream of hers and that she was always interested in music since childhood. So much so that in school, she decided to take up music and imagined a career in the same. But the experience and the response she received from her teachers and parents made this interest a bitter memory. Which took me back to my own high school years in a certain art class where one teacher was very loudly critical of a classmate’s artistic style that was not “traditional” (or honestly, his style) at the time. Cut to my own interaction with my parents about spending my time painting rather than studying or “doing something more productive”.

What was also familiar were the things that were said by adults to children. “You're not as good as……”, “This isn’t it for you”, “This is a waste of time”, “You will never be….”. Statements made either intentionally or in passing but that had a big impact on the person hearing it.

The person hearing it was almost always a child, not just in age but in reference to the power dynamic that existed between them and the parent, teacher or guardian saying these things. These statements acted on a desire, motivation and curiosity. 

Eventually, these statements became part of the phrases that we use to personally reference how far and how much we can reach for. 

A limiting belief is a thought or state of mind that you think is the absolute truth and stops you from doing certain things. Thinking about my client, as an adult she made the decision to register for classes and to pursue her interest in learning to play musical instruments. Despite the enthusiasm, she was not making the progress she desired- she thought she should be better and faster. This led to an internal dialogue that mimicked what had been said to her “I’m not good enough”, “If I had started earlier then I might be further, better…..”, and "I'm so far behind…”.

So the box we got put in becomes even smaller and we become part of the agencies that box us in. We tell ourselves that we are limited by time, age, skill and even vision. Beyond creative pursuits, our perception of healthy relationships, different lifestyles and what or how much of ourselves we can change, becomes defined by the same limiting walls. In my therapy sessions limiting beliefs often sound like:

• I’m not the type to do or say (something)

• It’s too late for us to change our relationship, this is all we know

• I can’t imagine myself doing this (thing)

• What would people think if they found out

• It’s embarrassing to be doing this at my age

But why is this so important? Why can’t we just shake it off? 

During exploration with my clients as these limiting beliefs become more evident, I become curious about where they might have come from first. Where did you first hear this? Who said this to you? 

What strikes me first is “when” a statement was made. Often, we might be in our childhood or formative years where we are finding ways to be agents in our own world. The discovery of talents, interests and quirks is our own way of getting in touch with the world and developing perspectives outside of the family-defined norms.

The introduction of doubt, rejection, "weirdness", limitations and shame creates a rapture in our self belief that we carry into various parts of our lives and relationships. 

The “who” pairs with this to create a dynamic that is similar to what I was encountering in my session with my client. Key figures during our formative years such as parents, a teacher, an uncle or an aunt, classmates or siblings, are often at the forefront of many personal woes. Their close proximity to us implies that we trust them more and might openly explore new interests around them. Which is what makes their words more cutting and entrenched  in us even when said in passing. 

What lies underneath the adults meeting our curiosity?

First, sometimes parents, teachers and the society are limited in their idea of what could work. Especially when they have to respond to more pressing demands such as making ends meet, raising children or getting through structural issues that make it harder to live everyday life. When I think about my upbringing in a semi urban Kenyan town, this rings true for most of my childhood and even adulthood- there were always more pressing needs such as school fees, rent and medical care. Therefore, my desire to pursue a career as an artist, for example, was impractical and was met with “that’s not something that will help us take care of the family, there’s no money in that”.

I have met the same framework when it comes to dysfunctional relationship styles- individuals who shout because that was the only way anyone would pay attention to them at home; people who are suspicious of kindness directed to them because they don’t know what will be expected from them in return; people who bottle their anger inside because they were told that expressing it made them “bad”. As adults, we carry these into the relationships and the families we form. We always feel like we have to fight to get our point across, we’re wary of the work colleague who is “too helpful” and we become passive aggressive when we’re discontented. We repeat the same limitations that were defined by someone else thinking this is the only way to be.

Second and maybe a bit of a harsh reality, some adults in our lives did not want to explore more and they created limitations for us because it was easier. This is harder to live with compared to the first experience because it denotes a choice. The choice here is to not act on potential or opportunity and to further enforce that choice onto other people who are at the beginning of their own lives. 

This could look and sound like:

• More targeted criticism that is unrelated to the area of interest and is too abstract to even work on, for example “you don’t even look like a musician”;

• Snide remarks made out of context for example when other people are gathered around they might say “some people here think they can be professors”;

• Pushback on your determination for example, “so how long until you realise you’re not even good at writing”;

• Statements that are final in their judgement such as, “What a waste of talent!”.

These statements not only break our hearts but they break our spirits too. They are insidious in their abstract nature which leaves us with no identifiable area of improvement, and the general way in which they are delivered. More importantly, the effect is that we stop exploring and in effect, stop asking these adults to be curious too.

In relationships, they may apply the same limitations which impedes efforts to improve communication, explore forgiveness for wrongs done and repair relationships. They push back on boundaries, and maybe unresponsive to efforts to change dysfunctional dynamics.

Turning to you

In therapy, I spend time with my clients uncovering the many layers that have shaped them over time. Our goal is usually to get to their core beliefs and where they might have come from. Beyond that, we start to build new beliefs and relational skills that can help my clients build a healthier relationship with themselves and others.

Here are a few questions that I ask to start a conversation of change.

What limitations were put on you and how do they manifest in your life now? Think about things you say about yourself and your ability to pursue an opportunity or change your perspective.

What was the context of the adults who said these things to you? Do you know how they might have grown up and what informed their responses to various things in life? The goal is not to excuse their behavior but to see the bigger history we might have been caught up in.

More practically, what does a change look like? Getting into therapy, talking to a mentor or friend who has a different approach to life, revisiting interests and ideas you had with more compassion to yourself.